I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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