I'm sorry my penis didn't work
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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