So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
