we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
