How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
