i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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