how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
we should paint friendship bongs
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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