I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
well you can't waste a boner
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
