I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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