I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
