so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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