he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
