do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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