Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Define "chronic" masturbator.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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