You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
