Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
