There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
