Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
