I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
