That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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