Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
