he wants to bone in the snuggie
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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