3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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