That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
