two words: eviction party
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
