why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
