I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
