then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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