Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
she told me i tasted like america
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
