Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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