you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
