I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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