be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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