the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
