textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
