I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
