i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
