you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
