I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
