So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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