some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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