why didn't you poke me back
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
