I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
