Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Damn victory sex feels great
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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