i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
