Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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