you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
