He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
