The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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