Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
