don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
